This one really got me laughing in the morning at work and is worth sharing.

Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check.”

“Oh, by the way don’t worry about my bulldog Spike. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!” “I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”

When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled,

“Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”

To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”

See, men just don’t listen !

It has been a while since I posted anything from my e-mail, so here is one that got me laughing. Look at the variations of the legendary World Cup finals act. Unfortunate way to end an amazing career with. I do hope he will be remembered as an amazing and great athlete than for that incident.

With that said, let us see some creative variations. I’ll be making this post as an archive and will add to it should some other be available.

Although I prefer dogs, there are a new way to categorize cats. Apparently domesticated ones tend to mimic their owners. Look at the proof below:

Another e-mail from ages ago that I dug out .

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local newspaper read:

PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.The next day, the local newspaper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES… HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day….

The moral of the story is…. Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery… and even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life….. You’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

Enjoy… good news is that it is mid week and two more days to struggle before the weekend….

Benny XXX

Mr. or Mrs. Computer

Is your computer male or female? As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., “Steady as she goes”, or “She’s listing to starboard, Captain!”). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:

1.  No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2.  The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3.  The message “Bad command or file name” is about as informative as, “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going totell you”.

4.  Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

5.  As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were   male.  Their reasonsfollow:

1.  They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

2.  They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

3.  As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

4.  In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

5.  Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

Well, you come up with your own judgement. My computer is bi-sexual because it has both characteristics.

Benny Ong XXX

Just manage to dig in one of my e-mail accounts that I have not checked for ages. It was about definitions. This is super cool.

Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.

Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn : The only time some people ever get to open their mouth.

Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Experience : The name people give to their mistakes.

Opportunist : A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father : A banker provided by nature.

Criminal : A guy no different from the rest….except that he got caught.

Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Well, a useful website if you need definition or to check spelling will be dictionary.com. I always use it.

Benny Ong

Just received this mail a couple of minutes ago and it was a good way to start the morning.

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father of the baby. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

Enjoy and have a nice day!

Benny Ong XXX

Another joke worth adding to the site.

Two Italian men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The two fought and one KILLED the other to have the lady.

Two American men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- They both had the lady TOGETHER.

Two French men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- They killed the lady to have EACH OTHER.

Two Indonesian men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The first man claimed that island is independent and took the lady as his advisor.
- The second man swam to another island to search for jobs.

Two Thai men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The first man rented the lady to the second man for 2 baht a night.

Two Filipino men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The first man kidnapped the lady and asked for ransom from the other man.

Two Malaysian men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The lady ACCUSED the first man of sodomizing the other because she was rejected by both.

Two Singaporean men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The two men are still waiting for instructions from the GOVERNMENT on how to proceed.

An e-mail that I’ve just received shortly that is worth sharing. Enjoy….

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon
with her for $500. They did their thing, and before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he
would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.”

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclose the
following typed note:

“Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not
sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was
under the impression that:

#1 – it had never been occupied;

#2 – there was plenty of heat; and

#3 – it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that
there wasn’t any heat, and that it was entirely too large.”

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:

“Dear Sir:

First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is
plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the
apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough
furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

This is another cool e-mail that I’ve just received. Enjoy.

Tech Support:Yes, … how can I help you?

Customer:Well, after much consideration, I’ve decided to install Love. Can
you guide me through the process?

Tech Support:Yes, I can help you! Are you ready to proceed?

Customer:Well, I’m not very technical, but I think I’m ready. What do I do
first?

Tech Support:The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your
Heart?

Customer:Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay
to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support:What programs are running ?

Customer:Let’s see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and
Resentment running right now.

Tech Support:No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your
current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it
will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low
Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you
have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent
Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ?

Customer:I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support:With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness.
Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been
completely erased.

Customer:Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?

Tech Support:Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You
need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.

Customer:Oops! I have an error message already. It says, “Error – Program
not run on external components.” What should I do?

Tech Support:Don’t worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run
on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In
non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before ! you
can Love others.

Customer:So, what should I do?

Tech Support:Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files:
Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.

Customer:Okay, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the “My Heart” directory. The system will
overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming.
Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and
empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes
back.

Customer:Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is
playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all
over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support:Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually
everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running.
One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and
its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with
others and return some cool modules back to you.

Customer:Thank you, God.

Please send this to every one you know. If you delete that is okay, God’s

love is not based on emails

May God bless you real good, remember He cares about you. I know
because He told me as I prayed for you.

Benny Ong XXX